When it comes to wedding planning in heterosexual couples it is generally thought (in most cases) that it’s the bride who usually does the lion’s share, if not the whole planning process of the big day. Their partners may have little or no input and it tends to be something that they take on with sole responsibility. In same-sex couples, this can also happen, where one of the two takes on most or all of the planning and responsibility. Some brides may want it this way, some brides may feel an invisible load and would prefer to do it together. Every couple is different. If you really want to plan a feminist wedding – then both partners need to be equally involved in the planning process. Often it can get a little misconstrued that feminists want to do everything themselves. Actually, feminists want equal rights for everyone so planning your wedding as equals really highlights this. It still might look different for each couple but here are some ways that you can plan your wedding from a feminist perspective…
This blog is part of our Feminist Weddings series; find more here.
Split Roles and Responsibilities Equally
We’ve all heard the term ‘Bridezilla’ – the bride who goes a little crazy planning her wedding exactly the way she wants it without really consulting or considering anyone else involved. There is no place for a ‘Bridezilla’ in feminist weddings (or any weddings!) as both partners should be planning the wedding together. Decide what roles you both want to have and what responsibilities you each want to take right from the start of the process. This way you both get to make decisions on important aspects. The key here is to make them equal to one another so split up the important tasks such as venue finding and supplier sourcing.
Have Regular Discussions
This links with the above. If you are planning your wedding together then you should schedule or have regular check-ins with one another. Discuss your findings or people you like and make the big decisions together. Think about what makes both of you who you are and factor this in. This is really beneficial so that on the actual day you both know who is going to be there and doing what, it can also be lovely to schedule time together (especially if you’re very busy people) and sit down and talk about your wedding day plans. Nobody wants to turn up on their wedding day not having any idea as to what is going on, do they? Keeping track and listening to each other’s ideas also means you have fewer conflicts – and isn’t that everybody’s dream whilst wedding planning? Make sure you also take time to check in on how each of you is feeling. Wedding planning can be stressful, so be honest with each other about your emotions and worries. Be there for each other.
Split The Costs
Typically if you want a feminist wedding then you would agree that paying for the wedding between the two of you is the right option. Of course, agreements might be made with a family that just can’t be shaken but let’s say you do agree that paying yourself is the right thing.
Splitting the costs equally between both partners is the perfect way to feel you have both had an equal part to play, just as we recently discussed both paying for the engagement ring. Agreeing on the budget upfront when you start planning will help keep things on track. Stick to the budget and check in with each other regularly. You might have a joint account or if not then consider setting up a wedding account that you both put money into and pay for everything for the day. Doing this creates real equality and then there are no discussions or disputes as to who is going to pay for what and who has paid more than the other.
However, if you are not earning equally, then you will want an approach with parity in mind. You may decide to split the costs to the same % you pay the bills normally. This is where for example, one partner earns twice as much and contributes more than the other. Whatever your arrangement is and what you decide is fair, together, is the way forward.
These are just 3 ways that you can plan your wedding in an equal way. Openly talking and discussing your options together makes everything a lot easier. Plus, deciding from the offset that everything is going to be done together makes both of you feel involved and excited. Wedding planning can be a challenge so what better way to do it than by doing it jointly together. And let’s all agree to banish the word Bridezilla right?
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